Intimate

I don't know about you, but I generally live my life without paying attention to what my body is doing, unless it hurts, of course.  So it's quite amazing at how obvious the signs of the fertility of a woman is, when you care to take notice.

I haven't really paid any attention to my cycles since Lara was born, but now we are trying for another, it doesn't take much to see what's going on.  The body is an amazing thing.  It tells me when my period is coming, it tells me when it's about to stop.  It tells me when I am about to ovulate, when I am ovulating, and when I am no longer fertile.  I don't have to look too far.  I don't have to do anything different.  The signs are there if you care to become intimate with the biology of your body and take notice.

One Month Down

So we are back to the beginning.  Well, not quite the beginning, as we have a precious little bundle in our household, but we have officially started trying for number two.  It all seems so familiar.  Month one has come and gone, with no luck.  I'm not employing all my fertility expertise just yet, but we'll see how many months pass before I start getting serious!  I'm guessing it'll only be one more before the thermometer and OPKs are broken out again.  Ah I just love order and knowing exactly what's going on!

Time Flies

Time flies.  It seems so recently that I stopped writing this blog.  Now I am looking to begin again.  And begin the conception journey again.  I have strange feelings about doing this.  On one hand, I am excited.  I love my daughter so ridiculously much that I can't wait to have another child to share in this love.  I would love for Lara to have a sibling.  On the other hand, I am wondering what journey we will have and how I will react if obstacles arise.  I can't imagine, if I continue to miscarry, that it will be as devastating as when I was childless.  But at what point do you say 'no more' and how will I cope with that if I have to?  Again, this is a question I considered pre-Lara, and again, I can't imagine that it will be as hard this time around if it comes to that.  I'd rather not think about it.  But I do.

So anyway, it's on next month.  We will start trying to conceive number 2.  Lara is only 5 months old, she will be 6 months when we try for the second.  It's early days, but I am 35, I want 3 kids, and with my history of miscarriages, we thought we'd better get on the bandwagon.  You never know what cards you'll be dealt. 

Moving On

My conception journey has come to an end, for now.  Life with a baby is so all consuming that this history, written on this page, seems unreal.  I may not always think about the journey that brought me my beautiful daughter, but I will always remember, and I will always take time out to treasure what I have, and how lucky I am to have it.  This will be my last post for now, until I start trying for number two.  Thanks for sharing my journey, and I hope you have similar happy endings.

Reflection

The last 12 days has seen me settling into my new life as a mum.  It has been so overwhelming, tiring and all-consuming that I haven't really taken the time to reflect on the journey I have taken to get to where I am now.  As I previewed my previous blog post - of the birth of my beautiful daughter - it suddenly all came back to me.  The emotions welled inside me and I sat and I read and I cried.  I made it.  I have a daughter.  We have a family.  There was a time when I wondered if I would be lucky enough to say that.

Lara

I awoke at 1am on Thursday April 12 feeling what I knew immediately to be contractions.  I decided to get up and try a few different things to see if they would go away or lessen, or speed up, to let me know whether labour might be imminent or a long way off.  Well, the contractions continued to come every 10 minutes, and nothing changed them, so I figured this was it.  I popped on the TENS machine, went back to bed with a heat pack and rested.  

My husband woke at 4am and so I let him know.  He was super excited but I suggested he go into the other room to sleep the rest of the morning as I was starting to get a bit restless in bed. 

We got up about 6.30am, had a bite to eat, then decided to go for a walk around the neighbourhood.  This really helped to bring the contractions on and by the end of the walk, they were coming every 4 minutes and lasting 50 seconds.  We went back home and continued to have contractions coming every 3-4 minutes which lasted between 90-120 seconds.  I did about half an hour of yoga but then I started having to stop with each contraction, lean on the bench and swing and breathe or moan with them.  I mostly paced up and down the hall in between with my husband following me giving me massages.

We decided to head into the hospital at 11.30am for a progress update.   Contractions were long, regular and coming 3-4 in every 10 minutes and I really just wanted to know what my body was doing so I could plan how I wanted to cope.  Well, devastatingly, I was only 1cm dilated.  All that work and only that far!  Goodness!  So we went home again and I got in the bath.  This was beautifully relaxing and I managed to chill out for almost 2 hours.  Hubby caught up on some sleep until the contractions ramped up and I was no longer comfy in the bath.  I then turned the shower on and my husband would run the shower head over my stomach and back during contractions.  I was getting a bit noisy at this time so I think the whole neighbourhood knew what was going on!  

Come 5pm and my waters broke.  So in to the hospital we headed.  This time I was 4cm dilated, but easily stretched to 6cm.  All the birthing suites were full so I laboured for 1.5 hours in an assessment unit.  There was a shower in there so that’s where I headed.  I also tried the gas but my contractions peaked so early that it didn’t have time to work and be effective.   It also made me awfully nauseous so I gave that up.  

About 6.45pm (I think) I was taken to a birthing suite where a big tub was waiting for me.  I got in to the water but the contractions were coming on so often and so strong that I just couldn’t settle there.  I think it was this time that I hit transition.  My poor husband was getting squeezed, hit and his hair pulled with each contraction and I have to say I was pretty damn noisy but still trying to breathe okay – thanks to hubby reminding me.  I started throwing up – not that I had anything in me – but I know I filled 3 bags – lovely!!  I don’t know if I could’ve settled into these contractions better if I hadn’t been moved right at that time... I think perhaps that if I was already in the shower and in a rhythm when transition hit, I might’ve gone on a bit longer and not been so affected but I just wasn’t coping that well so decided on an epidural.

The midwife got me up on the bed for a quick examination and I was 7cm.  I then had to stay up there even though the anaesthetist wasn’t there yet.  I wasn’t happy about this as I HATED contracting up there.  The anaesthetist was there pretty quickly (10 minutes?).  It took about 6 contractions before the cannula and epidural was in and then another 4 before I started feeling the effects.  It was now 7.20pm and I was exhausted!!  The next 3 hours were just bliss.  I relaxed on the bed, while hubby snoozed in a bean bag and had a bite to eat.

The midwife was monitoring the contractions – which I had to relearn what to feel for as it was more of a tickle in my uterus followed by a pressure down below.  The midwife thought the contractions were only moderate in strength so around 10pm she decided to put me on a syntocinon drip to make them a bit stronger and longer.  Well, she hooked me up then had a quick look and she was shocked to see hair!!!  I didn’t need the syntocinon after all – she was on her way!!  She told me she’d call the ob and we’d start pushing in 20 minutes – just let her come down on her own for a bit longer.

Well, the obstetrician got there, they coached me how to push and off we went.  With the help of a mirror, I could see the progress I was making and after 20 minutes, at 10.48pm, out came my beautiful baby.  It was the most amazing experience of my life.  DH was totally stoked as well.  They put my little girl on my chest where they rubbed her pretty vigorously as she wasn’t wailing loud enough for them!!  They then took her over for a quick bit of oxygen as they really wanted to hear a better cry but she was gaining lovely colour and had gorgeous pink lips so she was ok, just quiet!  They brought her back pretty quickly, and she straight away started rooting around for the breast.  The midwife helped pop her on and she suckled for ages.  I’m finally a Mum!

The Silver Lining

Now that I'm getting toward the pointy end of my pregnancy, I am also being bombarded with all sorts of pains and discomforts.

I have sacro iliac joint pain (my right hip is now 1 inch higher than my left) making most manouevres difficult and painful.
I can't lie down on my side for longer than 10 minutes without getting lower back pain, even with 10 pillows supporting bits and pieces of me (makes sleeping nigh on impossible).
My feet swell very easily.
I get restless legs at night time and they ache ache ache.

There seems to be nothing I can do to address these issues.  The solution for one is the cause of another.

But when it all gets too much, and I whimper and I cry through my veil of exhaustion, I still smile.  I am still lucky.  I am still blessed.  Yes it's hard and it's wearing me down, but I'm pregnant.  I'm going to have a daughter.  I will take this pain over the pain of miscarrying any day.

Great Expectations

We live in a pretty lucky country, in a pretty lucky time. 

Here I am, on paid maternity leave, with my partner being able to take time off on paid paternity leave when bubs comes.  I have all sorts of equipment to help make me more comfortable (fitballs, pillows, vouchers to the day spa); I can have a say in how I deliver our baby so long as all is well.  I attend yoga for pregnancy, aqua therapy for pregnancy.  I have a room full of old and new baby things that didn't break the bank.  I have the choice of so many types of nappies, prams, car seats, clothes, swaddles.  I can attend classes run by so many different organisations on so many different pregnancy and birth topics.

A pretty amazing and lucky place to be really.

Some of these things I see as being a bonus, but most of them, I see just as part of our society - the norm, the expected.  They weren't always the norm or the expected however.  My mum made do with so much less.  It doesn't mean that I should have to.  Our society has grown.  But it does mean that I can look at what we have and feel lucky.

There are a few other things out there that to me, are not the norm.  But I wonder when they will be.  Where is the line drawn between being over the top, and being the norm? 

I've noticed many couples posting pictures on Facebook lately of belly shoots - that is, a photography shoot (professional) of you and your partner in the later stages of pregnancy.  A lovely way to remember this time.  I had never thought to do it.  Professional photography shoots used to be the domain of weddings, and weddings only (in my world anyway).  They aren't cheap.  They aren't a necessity.  They're a luxury.  It used to be one of the most expensive single items within a wedding.  And now people do it for each pregnancy.  Wow.   We're lucky when a once perceived luxury item starts becoming more common.  It's been happening for years though - red wine for dinner each night, for example (mmm how I've been dreaming of this).  A luxury - but a lot more common now.

Then there was another term I heard twice the other day, a term I have rarely heard.  It was the 'push present'.  Others like to call it the 'birthing present' but 'push present' seems to be the most common.  I had never once thought of the need or desire to be given a push present from my husband (even though I do expect birthday and Christmas presents).  However, it seems to be getting a little more common to expect this.  Some women are just expecting flowers, which I'm sure they'll get, at least from someone, but the most common expectation I hear is jewellery.  Often quite expensive jewellery.  To live in a society where people can expect to receive expensive jewellery for each time they give birth tells us something about the society we live in and how lucky we are to be here to even consider that! 

I do wonder whether the 'belly shoot' and the 'push present' will become an expectation; a right; the norm, in the future.  If they do, indeed we are very lucky, but where do our expectations end?  Should they end?  Will having these great expectations lead us down a selfish path that's best not tread, or are they just something our society can adapt to?  Like expecting birthday presents or wedding photography?  Where will the line be drawn, and if it's not drawn, will these growing expectations be positive or negative for our society?

For me, for now, I will be happy (very happy) with what I've got - the amazing support of my husband.  That's my great expectation.

A Little Bit of Inspiration

Facebook brings you some pretty awesome stuff sometimes.  My sister posted a link to YouTube of a guy addressing a bunch of high school kids.  Now that's a pretty daunting thing to do.  Stand up in front of a high school assembly full of teenagers you don't know and try to inspire them.

Inspiring teenagers huh?  That's a tough gig.  But by the end of the assembly, these teenagers were laughing, smiling and crying and hugs were going all over the place.  This guy did an awesome job.

After watching the video, I too was laughing, smiling and crying, and thinking life was pretty damn great.  Ok, so that's often how I choose to view life, but sometimes you do slip up.  A little bit of an inspirational injection from people like this every now and then is I think the best medicine I could ask for.

His name is Nick Vujicic.  He has no arms and no legs.  And he makes you feel bloody amazing!  Thanks Nick, and all the other inspirational people out there who help make this world such a beautiful place.

Bring on yoga

Before falling pregnant, I was terrified of giving birth.  Absolutely and utterly terrified.  Most of what you hear are the horror stories: how it's the most painful thing you'll ever go through; how excruciating it is; how unrelenting it is; how no man could ever survive it; how it takes you above and beyond your limits.

Not exactly supportive or inspiring stuff.  No wonder I was terrified.

Once I fell pregnant, however, I began to develop a different attitude and have nurtured this attitude over time.

One way in which I am nurturing this is by attending active birth yoga.  It's absolutely brilliant.  I went last night and gained so much from the session.  Our teacher doesn't glorify or gloss over birth, she acknowledges the pain and the difficulties you will face, but she provides you with tools to manage that pain and those difficulties the best you can.  It is such a positive attitude towards birthing, and so supportive of our role in the process and our ability to birth.  Of course we have the ability to birth - that's what our bodies are made for.  That's what billions of women have done before us, and choose to do again.  Yes we can do this, yes it will be painful, but yes we can manage it and we don't have to fear it.

I came home and dicussed all the tools I had learned with my husband, and how he could help me access those tools when I needed them during labour.  It was a great discussion, and I look forward to expanding my tool kit to give me the best chance possible of managing labour positively.  I came away from that session looking forward to birthing our daughter and having faith that I could do it, without the need for fear.

Today, in the lunch room, a co-worker asked me if this was my first child.  When she found out it was, she put on a crooked smile, a knowing gaze, and a half laugh as she said - "just wait til the birth".  What a way to undo the fabulous attitude my yoga teacher left me with - just one sentence, so full of inference.  I refuse to listen to birth as negative, something that's going to be the worst experience in my life.  I just can't see how that is going to help me through the process.

Bring on yoga.

The Teddy Bear

Big W were having a baby sale yesterday, and as I am in the last days of my holidays before I return to work, I thought it would be a good idea (not to mention fun) to go and buy up.

It was great fun - I'm so lucky to be able to do it.  I bought a heap of clothes for the first 3 months or so, a swaddle, some muslin wraps, and Huggies had bulk boxes on sale so I bought some of them too for before we switch to MCNs.

When I got home, I washed all the clothes and popped the nappies in the tray under the change table.  Now, having been a child care worker and special educator, I have changed a gazillion nappies in my life (including my nephew's very first - how did I get lumped with that?) but it occurred to me that hubby has never changed a nappy in his whole entire life.

I thought it might be a prudent time to start.

So I dutifully rummaged through my teddy bear basket until I found one roughly newborn size. 

When hubby got home, I showed off my purchases and then let him know that I had a teddy bear the perfect size for practising putting on nappies.  He was in denial.  But the gorgeous man had a go anyway.

And what a natural he is!  The nappy fitted pretty much a dream - not even a big gape at the back and the bear was still in one piece.  He'll kill me when he knows I've blogged about this - I'm sure no-one was ever supposed to know.  He he he.

Worry

Hubby and I recently returned from our babymoon... it's a strange name really, as the honeymoon comes after the wedding, but the babymoon comes before the baby.  Hey - it's just an excuse for a holiday really.  Our last holiday as a couple.

We headed off to Tasmania and had an absolute ball - what a beautiful island it is with so much to see and do.  We stayed 10 days but could have stayed 6 weeks!  We will revisit one day with our kid/s.

I'm now almost 30 weeks pregnant.  And pretty relaxed and excited.  I didn't realise how much I still read signs though.  Whilst on holidays, I noticed that I wasn't feeling bubs very much.  I had never actually noted exactly when she was active or for how long, but when it changed, I knew.  She still seemed to be active at about the same times each day, but instead of getting movement over a good 20 minute stretch, I would get one poke and that was it.  I would feel a poke and think - "ooh, is that her?" then wait for the next poke that never came.  I sometimes doubted if I had really felt her at all.  After the first day of noticing this, I mentioned it to my hubby, then after the second day I mentioned it again.  I think we had three days of very few movements, and we were far away from my obstetrician.  I started to consider what I might do and when I might do it.  I decided after another day of quietness, I would just go to a hospital emergency department.

Luckily, it didn't come to that.  That night, she started kicking up a storm.  It was bliss.  Hubby confessed that he had been really worried, and wanted to let me know he was worried, as support, but didn't want to show too much worry as he didn't want to freak me out.  He hit the nail on the head - I knew he was worried, which was wonderful, but not enough to freak me out.  Wow, I got lucky with him.

Since that quiet time, I have been soaking up all the movement and activity I can get.  And lucky me, she's getting more active.  She stays awake for two hour stretches now so I get lots of fun!  I know it will slow down again soon as she gets too big to move much.  But I'll be expecting that.