Wednesday 10 August 2011

To Hope or Not to Hope, That is the Question

I had my fertility specialist appointment today.  My HCG and progesterone levels are good, our karyotype blood tests were good, in fact, all the tests I've ever had are perfect.

So the specialist said... "Given the results of all your tests, there is no reason that this should not be a successful pregnancy."

I wish he hadn't said that.

When we got our two little lines, we were happy to be pregnant to at least be able to continue on with figuring out what's going on, but we had no hope that the pregnancy would last.  I liked it that way.  It was safe, secure.  It would mean that it wouldn't hurt so much if it ends.

Well, when the FS said that we should have a successful pregnancy, I felt that little thing called hope flicker inside me and try to burn.  Within 15 minutes, over a deliciously luxurious hot chocolate at Max Brenner's, I successful quashed that little flicker of hope.  Well, I think I did.  But I think the FS has implanted that tiny little seed of hope in there, and I don't think I can dig it out.  I wish I could.  I don't want to hope.  Hoping equals hurting.

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