Pregnant Without the Exclamation Marks

The very first time I got a positive pregnancy test, my husband and I lay in bed, patiently waiting for the pregnancy test to show the result.  It was a digital pregnancy test, so any result would be clear.  After an agonizing wait of three or so minutes, the word pregnant flashed up on the screen.  It was the most amazing feeling, from somewhere deep inside.  An amazing excitement at the way our lives were about to be changed.  We both had tears in our eyes and enormous grins on our faces.  It was such an unbelievably joyful time.

I did another pregnancy test this morning.  My husband is away so I did it alone.  This time it was a typical 'two lines means you're pregnant' test.  Sure enough, as I expected, two lines appeared.  I'm pregnant.  This time though, there's no real joy.

There is a little bit of sadness.
At the thought that this baby may not make it.  At the thought that I may lose another one.  At the thought that I can't be joyful and announce to the world, like the first time... I'm pregnant!!

There is a little bit of resignation.
That we will go through the motions, lose the baby, try again.  That we have no guarantee of ever having a baby.

There is a little bit of relief.
That we are pregnant, and at least the fertility specialist can try and see what's going on.

There is a little bit of fear.
Of the emotions I will have to endure and how I will cope.

But there is also a little, tiny, bit of hope.
That this one, just maybe, will grow to term.