A Shadow on Your Joy

It's been almost a year now since I lost my first baby.  I still think about it, and think how old that baby would be now, how it would make celebrating Christmas different.  How we would have presents under the tree for him or her.  How it would have affected the year just past, my job, my future job, our finances, our life.  Life would be very different.

And life will be different, it's just been postponed.  I've probably even ended up with different opportunities that may have passed me by had I not been in the workforce. 

It still makes me a little nervous though.  Last Christmas Day, I was pregnant.  All was well.  Two days later, I wasn't.  It happens so fast.  And there is nothing you can do about it.  This Christmas Day, I am pregnant, again.  I know the same thing won't happen again with this pregnancy.  I'm much further along.  But you still know that something could happen.  And there is nothing you can do about it. 

I don't usually think like that during this pregnancy, but this time of the year, with all the reminders, those thoughts start creeping back into your head.  Not as often or with as much impact as early on in the pregnancy but they are still there.  Just a little shadow clinging onto your joy.