How Life Changes

I find it amazing how your life changes.  Once upon a time, this blog was so vital in my life.  It helped me voice and mull over my emotions surrounding my miscarriages and subsequent pregnancy and all the fear and hope involved.  During my second pregnancy, it definitely took a back seat but was still in the back of my mind.  Well, now I am pregnant again.  And not only am I pregnant, but the birth of this baby is imminent.  I am due in about 10 days!  I hadn't even thought about this blog until today when a friend talked to me about someone she new suffering recurrent miscarriage.  It amazed me that during this pregnancy, I had barely thought about miscarriage or loss.  It helps that it's number three.  My husband and I briefly discussed that if we lost this one we'd settle with two children and not try again, but it was quite an unemotional conversation.

Now I am about to be a mum of three.  That's a big change to wondering if I'd ever be a mum at all.  And my interests, my priorities, my worries - they have changed too. 

I hope everyone who reads this and is suffering recurrent miscarriage gets as happy an ending as I have.  Because you all deserve it.

Pigeon Pair

My husband and I organised time off work, as well as a babysitter, so we could both be at this little one's morphology scan.  It was so incredibly amazing with Lara, that we wanted the same experience with this bub.  We don't seem to spend much time thinking about this bub so it's nice to devote some time to the wee one.

We've always known that we wanted to find out the sex again.  We loved knowing with Lara and wouldn't think of doing it any other way.  So the first thing we were told were "It's a boy".  We've got a pigeon pair!  I'm glad now I bought a lot of gender neutral clothes but all those gorgeous dresses won't get a look in!! (Alright, maybe just when we're at home - poor little guy).

Everything else was absolutely perfect.  We are so lucky. 

Blessed

The fact that I have rarely posted during my second pregnancy is testament to how relaxed I am feeling about it.  It's not that I think everything will work out fine, but if it doesn't, it won't hurt as much.  Sure, if I can't have any more children, it will be really sad.  But compared to the pain of the thought that you will never have any... ever... it is but an annoying bug.

So, it has made this first trimester so much easier.  I have barely even thought about the fact that I am pregnant.  I have just gone on with my life with the occasional dry cracker thrown in and the occasional head put on knees as I get dizzy.  Otherwise, I just carried on, waiting to hear the verdict at our 10 week obstetrician appointment.  Such a different experience to my first pregnancy, when I thought about it every day, where I nervously counted down the days to the next scan, where I took notice of every sign and tried to interpret whether it was positive or negative.  My life was consumed with the next time I would find out if my baby was alive or not.

This is so so different.  And I think that the pregnancy will fly because of it.  It certainly has to now.  My husband, Lara and I all went to the obstetrician together for our 10 week appointment.  Unlike last time, I was totally relaxed and fatalistic.  Yes, it would have been sad had the heart not been beating, or a sac was empty, but the level of sorrow I would have felt would have paled into insignificance compared to previous pregnancies.  It's amazing how blessed having one child makes you.  I am blessed.

As it is, the scan showed a small and very active baby.  How can it be so easy?

Intimate

I don't know about you, but I generally live my life without paying attention to what my body is doing, unless it hurts, of course.  So it's quite amazing at how obvious the signs of the fertility of a woman is, when you care to take notice.

I haven't really paid any attention to my cycles since Lara was born, but now we are trying for another, it doesn't take much to see what's going on.  The body is an amazing thing.  It tells me when my period is coming, it tells me when it's about to stop.  It tells me when I am about to ovulate, when I am ovulating, and when I am no longer fertile.  I don't have to look too far.  I don't have to do anything different.  The signs are there if you care to become intimate with the biology of your body and take notice.

One Month Down

So we are back to the beginning.  Well, not quite the beginning, as we have a precious little bundle in our household, but we have officially started trying for number two.  It all seems so familiar.  Month one has come and gone, with no luck.  I'm not employing all my fertility expertise just yet, but we'll see how many months pass before I start getting serious!  I'm guessing it'll only be one more before the thermometer and OPKs are broken out again.  Ah I just love order and knowing exactly what's going on!

Time Flies

Time flies.  It seems so recently that I stopped writing this blog.  Now I am looking to begin again.  And begin the conception journey again.  I have strange feelings about doing this.  On one hand, I am excited.  I love my daughter so ridiculously much that I can't wait to have another child to share in this love.  I would love for Lara to have a sibling.  On the other hand, I am wondering what journey we will have and how I will react if obstacles arise.  I can't imagine, if I continue to miscarry, that it will be as devastating as when I was childless.  But at what point do you say 'no more' and how will I cope with that if I have to?  Again, this is a question I considered pre-Lara, and again, I can't imagine that it will be as hard this time around if it comes to that.  I'd rather not think about it.  But I do.

So anyway, it's on next month.  We will start trying to conceive number 2.  Lara is only 5 months old, she will be 6 months when we try for the second.  It's early days, but I am 35, I want 3 kids, and with my history of miscarriages, we thought we'd better get on the bandwagon.  You never know what cards you'll be dealt. 

Moving On

My conception journey has come to an end, for now.  Life with a baby is so all consuming that this history, written on this page, seems unreal.  I may not always think about the journey that brought me my beautiful daughter, but I will always remember, and I will always take time out to treasure what I have, and how lucky I am to have it.  This will be my last post for now, until I start trying for number two.  Thanks for sharing my journey, and I hope you have similar happy endings.